HORROR MOVIE catch-up: What the hell have you been doing, Dave?

Okay- I know what you're thinking. This is pretty late.  "We're 3 days from Halloween and Dave, you lazy asshole, you've only reviewed 9 movies.  What's your deal?"

Well first off, I underestimated how much of a dedication it would be to not only watch a 90-120 minute movie ever night, but then go and write a full review on it immediately afterwards.  And jeeze, if you miss one day, it just keeps piling on, making it pretty damn difficult to catch up.

And second, I don't have to answer to you, you're not my father.  So back off internet.  Give me a second to catch my breath (I ran all the way here to tell you this).


All kidding aside.  I've always wanted to do the horror movie a day thing for October, and unfortunately, it didn't quite pan out this year.  Work, family, etc.  If I was still a lonely bachelor, I probably could've written three years worth of these things, but alas, that time has passed.  So, maybe when Roman has graduated high school and moved away to college, I'll be able to delve into this and give it the commitment it needs.  Until then however, I didn't want to force this on myself because, hey, I love October, and if I'm making myself watch horror movies, then I'm not really enjoying it. 

So, there have been a couple days where I skipped a movie, but instead filled the time with fun things you can only do in the fall.  We took Roman to the Pumpkin Patch outside of Rockford, IL; a place that my parents used to take me every year.  This was his first time there, and it was a lot of fun.  He's still at the age where he doesn't quite know what to make of anything, but he seemed to enjoy most of it. Especially that damn bounce house. 

We also had a couple nights of making cut-out Halloween cookies, which I think I can say with 100% certainty, are the best cookies known to man.  Bats, Pumpkins, Ghosts, cats, and the standard penis-shaped cookie, created with the last remaining bits of dough.  Good times.  Then we carved some badass pumpkins (which unfortunately, almost immediately caved in on themselves once we put them outside.) 

One of my other favorite aspects of October, is the Halloween marathons and TV specials on TV.  AMC has been doing their usual, awesome marathons.  This year's line up has been particularly impressive, and it looks like they've got the rights to a ton of famous franchises.  Definitely some good TV-watching if you don't already own them.  I already had most of the good ones, so I found myself flipping through the line-up and DVRing the shitty movies that I never bought, and probably will never intend to watch.  Oh well. 

The Travel Channel has actually had some cool programs this year as well. (I know, the Travel Channel...) Lots of cool haunted locations, behind the scenes of haunted houses, scariest places in the world, etc.  Great stuff to get you in the Halloween mood.  And then Food Network never fails to amaze me, when they do their specials on the epic Pumpkin carving competitions, and sugar/cake sculpting.  Plus, Mythbusters did a Walking Dead episodes, that shitty Ultimate Spider-Man did a Dracula episode (guest starring Blade, Werewolf by Night, Man-Thing, and a couple other C-Level horror characters from the Marvel universe), and ABC even did a Toy Story Halloween special that was pretty damn good, especially since it had all the returning cast members do voices.

So, this is why I didn't get 27 movies watched by now.  But, I didn't stop at 9, as my blog would have you believe.  I've still been watching stuff, I just haven't had the time to go into too much detail on it.  And rather than backtrack and write up 10 painfully long, in-depth reviews, I figured I'd just give a quick run-down on what I've been watching, to get you up-to-speed.

So, here we go, picking up where I left off:

SUSPIRIA
-Classic Italian witch movie, directed by horror maestro, Dario Argento.  He had worked primarily in giallo horror films before this one (Giallo-being an Italian genre which usually involves an unseen killer stalking his victims before revealing the killer's identity at the end; they also usually have a lot of shots from the killer's POV- the more you know...) but this was his first foray into supernatural horror. 

Bright red blood, awesome electronic soundtrack, and the most vividly lit horror flick you'll ever see.  Suspiria is the first of many Argento movies where logic goes out the window, and you just sit back and take it in for the pure visual brilliance that you see before you.  This is the first of Argento's Three Mothers Trilogy (which, unfortunately, only goes downhill from here), and it follows an American girl, arriving at a famous Italian ballet school, which may or may not be housing a coven of witches.  Okay, it is.  Spoiler.  Gruesome deaths. Maggots raining from the ceiling. Service dogs turning on their owners. Falling into a pit of razor wire. And terrible Italian dubbing.  What's not to like? 

Also- on a odd note, it's been said that Argento himself does all the stabbings in his movies.  Meaning, it's his hand stabbing or strangling the victims in ever scene.  That's a little weird, huh?  But I guess no weirder than Mel Gibson doing the same during the crucifixion scene in Passion of the Christ.  Different strokes I guess.


PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS
-Wes Craven's take on the have and the have-nots.  The story follows a young, inner-city black boy nick-named "Fool," as he gets roped into robbing a wealthy house in hopes of helping pay his family's rent and medical bills.  A young Ving Rhames plays the guy who brings him along, but they soon find themselves tapped in a booby-trapped home of two psychotic Reagan-esq. lunatics. 

Not a great movie, but kind of a fun one, with lots of moments that stick out in your memory.  Courtney always remembers this movie, and I think she remembers it being better than it actually is.  It's a cool concept, and Craven seems to have a thing with setting traps in his movies.  It's almost like a companion piece to Home Alone, only with less shocking brutality.  (Poor Marv...)

Another off note- the two psycho home owners, referred to as "Mommy" and "Daddy" are actually played by the actors that play a husband and wife on the show Twin Peaks, which must've been airing right around this time.  I finished Twin Peaks for the first time earlier this year, so it was a shock to see them together again, playing a slightly more deranged pair. 

Some of the best moments involve the creepy images of the kids within the walls of the house, and the tongue-less kid (who would later go on to play Rickity Cricket in Always Sunny).  It's a fun movie, but it gets a little old around the 50-minute mark, because so much of the run-time involves them just running around this house.  It's worth a watch though.  And if you saw it when you were younger, chances are, you'll remember it being better than it actually is. 

 

 

TOY STORY OF TERROR
-Not a horror movie, and not much longer than 20 minutes, but still a fun Halloween flick, and I'd never turn down a chance to revisit the amazing Toy Story Universe.  I'll do this one quick.  The toys, now living with the little girl that Andy gifted them to at the end of the trilogy, are unexpectedly stuck at a hotel after the family encounters car trouble.  They check in, and explore the creepy hotel room, while acknowledging all the classic horror movie tropes that they manage to find themselves in.  Suddenly, they begin to get picked off one by one.  I won't spoil anything, in case you run across it, but the highlight of the short film is definitely the character Combat Carl, as voiced by Carl Weathers.  He definitely channels some of his Dylan-persona from Predator.  Good stuff, and quite funny.


WALKING DEAD
-Another one that's not a movie, but how can you talk about Halloween viewing and not touch on Walking Dead?  Since it premiered on Halloween night 4 years ago, this has been about the biggest show on cable since, I don't know... since Breaking Bad's finale last month?  (the timestream seems to be out of wack-  I'll check on it later).  Whether you're in the camp that loves it or hates it, there's no denying it's affect on pop culture. 

And even though last season's lack-luster finale left everyone with a bad taste in their mouth, how can you turn your back on a show that has fully embraced, gruesome, big-budget zombie horror?  They don't pull any punches on this.  You've seen the show- you know that no one is safe.  I feel bad that right now, among certain geek circles, it's become cool to hate on The Walking Dead.  Sure, it's not perfect, and yes, I wish they wouldn't have veered so far from the comic in some aspects too, but come on, is there something better that you're watching instead of this?  Get real.  It's a fucking well made zombie show.  Who would've thought this would become the most popular show on TV?

As for season 4, we're only two episodes in, but I already feel like it's a large step above the end of season 3.  A lot better characterization, and the fact that some time has passed, the threat of the Governor has subsided, and the characters are able to relax and try to start enjoying themselves, is really setting this up as a nice calm before the storm.  Still, even with a bit of a lull in the action, we've gotten two amazing zombie attacks, and a new mysterious virus that's killing off people without incorporating the zombie bite.  I'm intrigued, and I look forward to seeing where they are going with this one.

-Also- American Horror Story is on again as well.  I LOVED the first season, but missed the second one on TV. I picked it up on blu ray, but I'm waiting till after October to dig into it.  I'm also DRVing the 3rd season, so I can jump into that right away too.  I really like how each season is essentially, it's own, 12-hour stand alone horror movie.  Brilliant idea.  I can't wait to watch this. 


MONSTER HOUSE
-A fantastic kids movie about a haunted house.  I had forgotten that Spielberg and Zemeckis were producers on this, and after watching it for a couple minutes, it really shows.  It's got that great, retro feel of a Spielberg movie, following around a group of likable (not annoying) kids as they have a seriously dangerous and horrifying adventure.  Plus, it's got some great cinematography, that feels like this could have easily been a live-action film, if Zemeckis wasn't so infatuated with his CGI-motion-capture playground that he's been spending the last couple decades in. 

Overall, a really good, well-made kids movie, that feels a little like Poltergeist or The Gate; you know, those movies that are PG, but they could seriously freak you out if you saw them at the right age.  This isn't quite at that level, but it definitely doesn't pull punches for a kids movie.  And it's got Steve Buescemi, which is always a good thing, for any movie.


MANIAC
-Gruesome, artsy remake of a sleezy 80s horror flick.  This one, starring Frodo himself, Elijah Wood, as the titular "Maniac," a guy who owns a mannequin restoration shop, and apparently suffers from social anxiety syndrome.  Oh, and he likes to go out and scalp women in the night, and set their bloody hairpieces on his girlfriends (mannequins) that he has scattered around his bedroom.
Despite that one little tick, he's a fairly likable guy, and you can't help but feel sorry for him, both because he's just so socially awkward, and because the majority of the movie is shot through his Point of View, so we're seeing the film through his eyes.  That's right, so when he's having dinner with this hot chick, you're feeling pretty cool, excited to get her back to her apartment. Then it dawns on you, "Oh shit," he's going to kill this girl, and you're going to have to watch.  Hell, it's more like you're going to have to participate, since the movie plays out like a killer/rapist version of Goldeneye.  Too bad that didn't exist, maybe all those Halo-nerd frat guys wouldn't have rufied so many girls at college parties.

Worth a watch, for the creative camera work, the gruesome effects, and the fact the Elijah Wood gives it his all.  His face is really only in the film for about 10 minutes, but you feel like you're watching him for the whole movie.  I read that they were going to just get someone to be his hand double, but he was dedicated to the movie, and did all the hand work himself too.  So, even though you can't see his face, it's pretty much all him throughout the movie.  He also fondles a girl's boobs for a while, so that may have played a role in his decision as well. 





THE CONJURING

-Somehow, this movie recently became like the third highest grossing horror film of all time.  When did that happen?  I mean, I know it was pretty popular in theaters, but I had no idea it was that successful.  Should it have been?  Eh, I don't know.  It didn't re-invent the wheel, or do anything completely unique (like Blair Witch or something) (thank God), but what it did do, it did very well. 
Classic Haunted House 101.  I guess the interesting thing they did was focus the movie not only on the family experiencing the haunting, but also on the two real-life paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren. 

The movie takes itself very seriously, and they hold back on the in-your face shocks for most of the film, before going pretty all-out in the climax.  Not a lot of surprise fake out, or jump scares.  Most of the shocks feel genuine and earned, and the house itself is a nice, creepy old farm house that you can believe exists out there somewhere.

The reason this movie is as good as it is is director James Wan.  So far, he's given us Saw, Dead Silence, Death Sentence, Insidious, this, and Insidious 2.  That is a pretty damn good track record.  He definitely knows how to craft an effective horror film, and if that's what you're in the mood for, this will definitely fit the bill.  Like I said, there isn't a whole lot of new ground covered, but it takes the classic formula and does it so well, you don't even care.


*****

So, there you have it.  I wouldn't call it caught up, but that's what I've been up to.  I also watched the badass revenge movie: Only God Forgives, but I can't really include it in this column, as it's not a horror movie.  Gruesome, yes. Horror, no.  Nicolas Winding Refn, the director of Drive and Bronson did it, and if you like those, check it out.  If you thought Drive was too slow, you'll hate this even more.  I loved it though.

AND I watched Pacific Rim, which was my favorite movie of the Summer.  Again, not really a horror film (although I guess you could make a case for it- giant monsters and all).  I'm not including it, but it was amazing.  I can't recommend it enough.  It was like a trip back to my childhood when I first saw Jurassic Park. 

 If you've read it this far, I thank you.  It's easy to get discouraged if you don't think anyone is reading this, but it sounds like a couple people have, so that's enough reason to keep up on it. 

I'm also in the midst of writing a couple original fiction things, which I hope to be able to share soon too.  I can assure you, they're better written then this, random train-of-thought thing that I do on this blog. 
Oh, and also- it's almost Halloween!  So go out and enjoy it!