Am I the only one that thinks the Universal Monsters would make awesome Disney movies?

         The more I think about it the sadder I get that it'll never happen...

This whole thing started after I plowed through the blu ray set of classic Universal Monsters that I purchased.  Being a huge movie buff, and an unabashed horror fanatic, I found it downright criminal that I hadn't seen any of the classic '50s Monster movies.  (I also haven't seen Ferris Bueller's Day off, but that's beside the point.) 

Now I'm sure most people probably haven't seen these movies, outside of the few classic moments that have been ingrained in pop culture.  I mean, we know the whole "It's alive! It's Alive!" quote, along with the image of Lon Chaney Jr. slowly changing into the Wolfman through the movie magic of time-lapse photography, but I'm guessing very few people have ever sat down and watched these.  For one, they're in black and white.  For two... well, for most people, the black and white thing is all they need to hear.  However, I've been in a bit of an ecclectic mood recently, so I figured it was time to watch these bastards.  Especially after finishing up our short film, Murder Party, which was a cheesy throwback to these types of movies.

I started with Dracula. Bela Legosi style. This was Universal Studios first big monster movie.  It was kind of a test, and you can tell, because even though Frankenstein was made less than a year later, the production value between the two looks to have skyrocketed.  So yeah, the classic Dracula, while great for a laugh, and a look back to the early days of monster movies, left a little to be desired.  Some noteworthy moments include the fluttering of Dracula in bat form (executed by simply bouncing a fake bat up and down on a string), Dracula transforming into a bat (start with Dracula, cut away to something random like a woman screaming, cut back to the bat, once again, bouncing in place). 

Obviously, it's so easy to make fun, that there is no point in even pointing out the flaws.  This was pioneering movie days, and it's funny, because the movie plays out, very similarly to movies we used to make as kids, toting around an old RCA camcorder, amazed by the effects we were able to do when we'd simply cut away and then cut back to show a sudden teleportation, or the epic day in history when we discovered the button to add text on screen. Anyway, these movies hold a special place in my heart because it reminds me of my own childhood (weird, when you can suddenly say "childhood" and it's true now).  Even more amazing, is what it must've been like back in the middle of the century, when the movie business started booming and Hollywood discovered what a gold mine they had on their hands.  The Universal back lot in particular, I imagine must've been one of the most amazingly surreal places in the world to visit, let alone work at.  The back lot was an immense lot of land in Hollywood, full of giant warehouse buildings, outdoor theaters, sets, and sound stages.  Any time they needed a set for a movie, they'd just tour the lot, pick a spot and shoot it there.  If they didn't have it, they'd build it.  They'd have a European town square, a sprawling swamp, an Egyptian desert, an opera theater, a coliseum, etc. all within walking distance. Buildings full of costumes, props, vehicles... everything you would need to make a movie.  It must've been amazing.  If they could imagine it, they could film it, all within the confines of the back lot.  It would be the equivilant to a child playing in the world's biggest sandbox.  Except instead of trucks, and other boring vehicles, there's dynamite and castles.

So, anyway, this was quite a time for movies.  Dracula was a resounding success, so boom, the studio rushed out more monster movies faster than Lionsgate shat out Saw sequels.  Next up, Frankenstein.  And to make it even easier, they had a wealth of materials to choose from.  And this was a time when the market wasn't over saturated with vampires and werewolves.  Sure, there were plays, and maybe a couple insignificant adaptations of some of the classic works prior, but shit, when audiences first saw Bela Legosi greet Renfield at castle Dracula, that was the first time they were seeing Dracula.  And even more amazingly, that's pretty much STILL audiences' perception of Dracula, almost 70 years later.  Talk about owning the role. 

So, after the most iconic monster of all time (Frankenstein['s monster]), screen icon Boris Karloff went on to do The Mummy.  I never knew that Karloff portrayed not only one, but two of cinemas greatest movie monsters; and they are usually even pictured together when we all the monsters get together for photos and Breakfast Club poses.  I also wasn't aware, that for some reason, they changed Victor Frankenstein's name to "Henry," and that the Mummy only has his classic, bandaged look for about 7 seconds of screen time.  Weird.  I guess not everything stuck.

After The Mummy, we got The Invisible Man, which was amazing that they were able to pull off a pretty damn good green-screen effect back in the '50s.  Hell, they probably didn't even know what it was; after all, the world was still in black and white at that time anyway... so who knows how they differentiated the different shades of grey when removing the actor's hands and face. 
The Invisible Man was fun, and the first of the Universal pictures where the villain was just an outright asshole.  Most of the other monsters were misunderstood, sympathetic characters.  Not Dr. Griffin.  At one point he gleefully describes how he's going to push his former colleague off a cliff, making special note of the order in which he'll break his bones before finally snapping his neck, which ought to do him in.  And then he does it.  Props to the filmmakers.  Push the boundaries of comfort.  Unfortunately, I have to deduct points on this film too though, because it showcases one of the most annoying actresses I've ever come across.  This ghastly old maid, who screams like a loon during almost every scene she's in.  The director must've thought she was a riot, because she just keeps popping up throughout the movie.  Just when you think you're done with her, BAM, she's back, that awful shriek just bubbling below the surface, ready to explode out at the drop of a dime.  You even think you're done with her by the film's conclusion, but then, out of nowhere, she pops up in the next movie, Bride of Frankenstein.  Same shtick too.  God I wish the Invisible Man would've pushed her off a cliff.  Or better yet, murdered the actress in real life.  That would've probably done it.

Bride of Frankenstein kept The Invisible Man's little twist at injecting some comedic elements into the picture.  They also went all out with some new effects, including miniaturized people sealed in jars, and even more lavish sets and explosions.  It also features Frankenstein's Monster learning to talk.  "Shmoke... goood!"  "Friend!"  It's priceless.  If you watch it, you'll be quoting it for days. 
Another strange thing to note, the Bride of Frankenstein herself is only onscreen for about 4 minutes, if that.  Kinda' like The Mummy.  These classic images we've seen throughout history... well, that about covers it.  Not a whole lot more to it than that.

Next up, was The Wolfman.  Decent flick, featuring the creepiest pick up line I've ever seen.  The main character, spies on a woman getting ready in her apartment from his telescope.  He then goes down to her Antique shop and asks to buy some earrings.  But not the ones in the shop, the ones she has up in her bedroom.  And he does this like he's such a Casanova too. And we're supposed to like this guy, he's the main character.  Oh well, he gets bit by a werewolf and has a rough go of it after that, so I guess we can give him a break.

After Wolfman was Phantom of the Opera, which was the first and only color, or Technicolor, film in the set.  Which is strange, because the next feature, Creature From the Black Lagoon, went back to black and white.  They must've blown the color budget on Phantom, but who cares, it looks amazing.  Really vibrant, despite the occasional moments where it looks like the color plates weren't aligned correctly and we get an effect that we're watching a 3D movie without the glasses.  Beautiful colors aside, Phantom was pretty dull.  Lots of singing.  Lots of singing.  Less Phantoming that I would've preferred.  But I know the story, so it wasn't unexpected.

Rounding out the disc is Creature from the Black Lagoon.  One of the greatest, and most original monster costumes, and story I believe.  I think Creature is the only one without any ties to a previous novel or play. Either way, the Creature is a badass.  And this whole thing, set in the amazon, was filmed on the backlot soundstage.  So cool. 


Well Dave, now that you've wasted everyone's time by saying virtually nothing, how about you get onto the topic at hand, huh? 

As I was watching these, I couldn't help but imagine how great these classic stories would be, if translated by Disney animation.  And don't give me that, "Disney sucks," or, "I'm too old and too much of a tough guy to appreciate anything like that," because we all grew up on Disney.  Except me, I grew up on equal parts Disney, Predator, Terminator 2, and Virtuosity starring Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe. 

Disney is no stranger to horrific tales.  So many animated classics have originated from those blood-curdling Brothers Grimm fairy tales, and more than half of them involve a parental figure meeting a terribly gruesome end.  Beauty and the Beast, Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lilo and Stitch? Come on, Disney has been making horror movies for years.

Just think how cool it would've been to have grown up on an animated version of Frankenstein, where Victor Frankenstein and Igor sing a song about grave robbing as they go about town digging up bodies and cutting down recently hanged corpses.  You can just picture Igor sneaking into the medical lab, fumbling and knocking over the "Normal brain," then looking around and replacing it with the "abnormal brain" when he made sure no one was looking.  A gentle, giant, Frankenstein would wander around the countryside, a misunderstood monster, while a gang of villagers start a rousing chant to kill the beast, just like in Beauty and the Beast.  Then it could end with Frankenstein's monster saving his creator from the burning windmill, and all of the villagers realizing they had him pegged wrong.  You know, if they didn't want to go the whole "Monster-throws-Victor-off-the-windmill-then burns-amongst-the-collapsing-structure route.  And you know how Disney loves sequels... well Boom, we've got Bride of Frankenstein waiting in the hanger.

Same goes for Dracula... this sad, lonely Count, living alone in his Castle, wishing he could find love.  I picture him singing his heart out, begging for his soulmate, while his 3 vampire wives sing backup, trying to keep him there.  Imagine crazy Renfield, locked up in the sanitarium, eating bugs, doing whatever PG-rated movies allow crazy people to do. And before that, a townful of wonky European villagers, pleading with him through song not to venture to Castle Dracula. (It would be like the begining of Aladin)  And kooky Abraham VanHelsing, a cocky old blow-hard, trying to stop Dracula from finding love with Mina Harker.  Picture it:  Walt Disney's.... Dracula. 

Then we've got the Wolfman, with a gang of loveable gypsies.  Larry Talbot trying to hide his wolf-transformation from his girlfriend, with disasterous, and obviously hilarious results.  The Mummy, Invisible Man, Phantom... these are all ripe for that classic Disney animation style... I'm picturing the Aladdin, Anastasia, Beauty and the Beast look, before they got overly stylized and computer generated. 

Think how badass our children would be if we could sit them down in front of the TV and say, "Okay Roman, you watch Frankenstein while mommy and daddy go do the dishes."  That kid would grow up to eat nails!  You could bring your 5 year old to the movie theater to see Dracula!  Walt Disney's Dracula, but Dracula none the less.  And the world would be better for it.

I don't think it's out of reach.  I mean, they could even go into the darker territory in some of these.  It sure as shit wouldn't be anymore traumatizing that Lion King.  I don't think anyone in Phantom of the Opera has to watch their own father trampled by a heard of wildebeasts.  Although I did fast forward through some of the singing, so I guess I can't be sure.  They could've had a ballad about it. 

I was getting so excited thinking up possibilites for this, I was almost shaking as I was telling Courtney.  Then I remembered that Universal Studios isn't owned by Disney, and the two are actually major competitors.  And I got really sad.

Oh well, Disney now owns Marvel, Star Wars, and Pixar, which makes up roughly all of the money to be made in the movie industry, so who knows. Anything can happen.  I guess they could buy the rights to the original material and do it that way; I'm not sure how much of the properties Universal owns.  The likeness and images of the classic monsters obviously, but it seems like if Disney wanted something bad enough, they could get it.  All they have to do is show up with Han Solo and Indiana Jones in the same room and boom, what else would you need to say.  (wait a minute...)

Hiding the beans...

Something that has become a little joke around the office has been the hiding of a can of awful looking black beans.
Let me set the stage:
Last Christmas at McGraw-Hill, our floor got together to do a gift exchange. Not one of those good gift exchanges mind you, but that terrible one where people can take your gift away from you.  I have never been a fan of this game, since (1) the good presents are instantly passed around the table until the maximum number of steals have been met, and (B) the only presents that generally get stolen are alcohol.  Now, if there was alcohol involved in playing the actual game, it may be a different story.  I'm sure there would be more cursing, and possibly some fisticuffs.  But alas, we were in a place of business, and partially due to the absence of knuckle dusting, I ended up with a can of black pinto beans that looks like it was a left over item from a food kitchen that had the good sense not to serve it on their poor, unsuspecting homeless patrons.  After all, they've suffered enough.

Little did I know at the time, that this mere can of beans would blossom into one of our favorite workplace activities.
When I initially got two bottles of wine stolen from me during the game of Terrible Christmas, I figured I'd go for a wrapped gift that didn't look like it contained liquor.  Sure enough, it contained the beans, along with a bedazzled sandal air-freshener and a coupon for a car wash that looked as if it had been used.  My initial reaction was, "Who the hell would do this to someone?  And on Christmas!" So I held back the tears as the liquor continued to be passed around and everyone had a great time.  Then I went back to my desk and tossed the air freshener, put the car wash coupon on a shelf to be forgotten about and most likely never used, and set the can of beans on my co-worker, Antonio's desk.  He had missed the gift exchange, so I thought I'd raise his spirits with the worst gift you could possibly get.

Little did we know, we had actually been privy to the single greatest Christmas gift mankind has ever received since God blessed us with the birth of the one and only... Rod Sterling, creator of the Twilight Zone. It's true, I looked it up.  Oh, and Jesus maybe.

So, what once began as a disparaging weight on my soul, became an action packed thrill ride involving us hiding the beans on a different co-worker's desk without him noticing.  There are currently three players of this game, and while the rules are a little involved, it's worth it once you get playing.  Here's an extensive look at the rules list:

    Rule #1:  Hide beans.
    Rule #2:  Walk away.

So far we haven't had to add an addendum to the list, but once the game expands across the office I'm sure there will be room for changes.

Some of the highlights of this season:

-I was running low on Kleenex, so I emptied the box, put the beans inside it, placed the remaining Kleenex back on top, then switched it out on Antonio's desk, which luckily happened to have the same color box of Kleenex. Eat shit Antonio. 

-When I reached my office one morning, I was met with a stacked wall of textbooks, barricading my cubicle.  I was feeling sick that morning, so I made Michael (the other member of Team Beans) help me clear them, and once we got about half of them moved he goes, "Oh, look, what is that!?"  Boom. Beans. Apparently they had built a little fort.

-When Michael was away at New Rep Training, we examined his cube for various places to hide the beans.  Antonio was set on somehow incorporating simple machines in the process, and was obsessed with integrating ropes and pulleys, levers, etc. We didn't get that far, but he did hang a couple coat hangers from his bookshelf (not sure why), and I covered the beans in the wrapper from his lint-roller that Michael keeps in his desk.  And thank God he does, because I always come into the office covered in dog hair.

My personal favorite of my bean-hiding escapades was a simple trap that I set for Michael.  (pictured below)


It worked swimmingly.


So, this is one of the ways we entertain ourselves throughout the day.  I have a feeling that these are only going to become more elaborate as time goes on.  We've covered all of the basic hiding places (in book bags, drawers, under hats, in coat pockets, etc.) so now it's up to us to really tell a story with these beans.

Just this morning, I was "beaned" when I reached my office.  It was a game changer too, because when I got to my desk, there were two books stood up on end.  Behind one, the classic can of beans. Behind the other, a can of Chicken of the Sea: Chub Mackerel.  Oh, it was on.  In fact, I have a can of $4 Vegetarian Beans that mysteriously found its way into our grocery bag and receipt a couple weeks ago when we got home from HyVee.  We sure as hell aren't going to eat it, so might as well use it for the game.
We could have three cans of disgusting crap circulating the office at any given time.  And god help the poor bastard that gets hit with all three of them at once...

I think we need to recruit more players.


UPDATE:  VALENTINE'S DAY edition and EVIL GENIUS edition: