God I love this movie.Cemetery Man is such a bizarre mash-up of weirdness, humor and horror, it brings to mind some of the greatest slapstick horror films in the genre like Evil Dead 2 and Re-Animator. The sad thing is, I don't think too many people know about this one. Or if they do, chances are they caught it randomly and dismissed it, not prepared to embrace the full extent of its awesomeness.
Originally titled "Dellamorte Dellamore," (which I think is a badass title in itself, and translates from Italian to something along the lines of "Of Death of Love") this is a film that was made in '94, but somehow feels like it was done much, much earlier. It's definitely low-budget (as the best horror films generally are), but that doesn't refrain the movie from having some amazing make-up and set pieces. It's also shot in Italy, but most of the actors speak English, and has a couple of that good-old-terrible dubbing for some of the supporting cast. This is really something I've come to expect with most Italian horror flicks, and watching anything by Fulci or Argento just wouldn't be the same without it.
The plot is pretty simple, but never boring, and it always strikes me as a movie that is made up of several parts. I would almost compare it to American Psycho, where it's kind of a character study. We follow the protagonist through his life and the different things he encounters. The story focuses on a Cemetery watchmen named Francesco Dellamorte (played by Rupert Everett- weird I know) and his mute man-child assistant as they do their best to keep up with a wave of resurrection that seems to be plaguing the graveyard. For some reason, the dead begin to arise 7 days after they've been buried, and Francesco takes it upon himself to return them to the earth. Usually by way of bullet, shovel, or spade. The charm of this movie lies in it's just matter-of-fact weirdness. For example, no one else seems to notice or care about the zombies. Francesco attempts to report it to his supervisor's at the city, but he doesn't have the time or ambition to file all the necessary paper work and decides it's "easier just to shoot them." He goes about his disposal of the undead just as if it were any other part of his job. Just a cog in he wheel that doesn't have the ambition to find any deeper meaning in what he does. And that's pretty much how his character views his life.
After a couple minutes into the movie, he meets a beautiful young widow mourning over the loss of her (strangely ancient) looking husband. She's turned off by Francesco's advances until he shows her to the cemetery's ossuary (which apparently is a dank, mold crypt for scattered bones and remains). That apparently is all it takes, because now she's all over him and ready to get it on. (again, it's the charm of these weird foreign flicks like this)
So, they're banging on the grave of her recently deceased husband, and sure enough, what happens? Boom zombie. I think we all saw that one coming. Let that be a lesson to everyone. Don't be a whore. And if you do, don't be one on the grave of your freshly dead spouse. It can only lead to trouble.
So, zombie husband bites her, she dies, and Francesco is down in the dumps again. He has some more, strange little adventures over the next couple of days, but then, wouldn't you know it- his love returns from the dead... only to, um... get killed again. It gets really strange when Francesco starts seeing her again, around town as different characters, each one becoming attracted to him, but each one ending in heartbreak. And to make matters even more bizarre, Francesco starts seeing Death, as in, Mr. Death, around the graveyard. And he's not just stopping by to chat, he's calling him out, saying, "Why are you killing my undead? Wouldn't it just be easier to kill the living?" Strange philosophy, but Francesco decides to dip his toe into the murder pool and take him up on his offer. So, he goes around town and has a little shooting spree. And murders a ton of hospital staff. And maybe indirectly burns some college co-eds. Alive. 
So, you'd think he's a pretty despicable guy. But strangely, you never really dislike him, and you're rooting for him through the whole film. Partly because of the bizarre surreal nature of the world this movie takes place in, where you're not quite sure what is real or not. The story is following Francesco, and we all took English classes where they drill us on the idea of the "unreliable narrator." Does he fit the bill? Maybe. Probably, actually. But the movie doesn't beat us over the head with notions like this. Rather than throw a big twist and say, "Oops- he's imagining it the whole time," it just exists in its weird little universe where you're not quite sure what the hell to think. He runs the cemetery, and most of the movie takes place in the cemetery, so essentially, we're in his world. His element. And he's really good at his job. He blasts zombies away without giving them a second glance. Mows down approaching hoards while talking on the phone. You never once get the impression that he feels like he's in any danger. And that's another reason you kind of root for him. He has this philosophy that "life, death, it's all the same. You live, you die, you wind up here, you live again, then you die again..." It's just a part of the daily grind for him. He's definitely a bit of a sad-sack, but not the whiney, annoying emo bitch Tobey McGuire plays in Spider-Man 3. He's more of a blue-collar James Bond who just doesn't give a shit, bangs hot chicks, kills zombies, and then has a smoke. He sometimes wonders what exists outside the town limits, outside of the graveyard he feels at home at, but it's much easier for him to continue cleaning up this never ending slew of zombie returners, than it is to go explore a different career path.His assistant, Ghnagi is almost his polar opposite. While Francesco is tall, skinny, good looking and well spoken. Ghnagi is short, fat, ugly and mute. He only responds with a child-like "Gna!" to every conversation. He's essentially the ying to Francesco's yang, because he balances him out. He's generally happy, optimistic, and while Francesco spends the majority of his free time crossing the names of the newly deceased out of the phone book, Ghnagi allows himself the simple pleasures of life, like watching TV, gorging on spaghetti, playing in leaves and, um... kissing a resurrected pre-teens' severed head. Yeah, that happens.
There's a strange twist at the ending AND I'M GOING TO SPOIL IT NOW, SO QUIT READING IF YOU PLAN ON WATCHING THIS where Francesco has enough and he drives off with Ghnagi to start anew. They leave the town, travel under a bridge, but then crash their car just inches from a steep cliff that looks like the end of the world. Ghnagi is injurred and almost appears to be dead, but he suddenly gets up and then starts speaking in perfect English. Francesco's response is only, "Gna." Then it's over. So what the hell happened? Throughout the movie, everyone outside of the Cemetery kind of looks down on Francesco and they don't really give him a whole lot of credit to follow through with anything. In fact, when the police are looking for the mass murderer of the killings he is responsible for him, they pass by him without a second glance, even though he's leaving the site of the slaughter, holding the murder weapon. The cop even says something hilarious like, "Oh good! You've got a gun; that means you can defend yourself!" It really brings to mind the ending of American Psycho, which I likened it to earlier. But what is up with the sudden role reversal? Has Francesco really been the mute handicapped dude the whole time, and once he left his kingdom of the cemetery, he didn't know how to function in the outside world? Was Ghnagi the leader of the duo the whole time, but since the story focuses on Francesco, we're just seeing the world through his eyes, where he's King Shit Zombie Exterminator? Who knows? It's a good twist, but it doesn't really give you a clear answer, and you could argue a couple different theories, but I don't think there's one definitive way to interpret the ending. I like it though. It fits the strange, surreal tone of the rest of the movie.
OKAY- YOU CAN RESUME READING AGAIN. SPOILERS OVER.
Overall, this is one of my favorite horror movies. The main character is just a cool motherfucker. It has some really great lines. Awesome zombie effects, and also some of the coolest photography I've ever seen. They are definitely restricted by the budget in some areas, but man, they come up with some beautifully ingenious cinematography. The movie opens with a shot pulling back from inside a skull, through the eye socket, then between a phone cord and finally into the establishing shot of Francesco's living room. There's plenty more as well, really making full use of the meticulously designed cemetery set. And as much as I'm against remaking classic movies like this, I feel this is a rare case where a more financially stable remake could be even cooler. As long as they get the right creative team and didn't mess with all of the goofy, original elements that makes this a standout. Before Tim Burton went all Hot Topic, this would've been the perfect project for him and Depp. Now a days, that concept is about as exciting sounding as driving to Wal Mart, but when Burton was in his prime, this would've been right up his alley. He could definitely do the material justice if he took the Ed Wood or Big Fish approach and just went all out weird, with little regard for box office revenue. But with the most recent en devours he's produced lately, there's not a lot of hope there. And trust me, if you're going to remake something like this, you have to keep the offbeat tone, and the dark, dark humor. The R rating is a necessity. So, maybe it's good to just leave it as is.
Anyway, one last bit of background: this movie is based on an Italian comic book called Dylan Dog. They made a really shitty adaptation of it starring Brandon Routh a couple years ago, (so maybe it's best to just leave this alone; or use it as an example of what NOT to do... this is what happens when you go for that general audience PG-13 rating). Francesco apparently pops up in a couple of issues of the comic, but the character of Francesco in Cemetery Man is pretty much based and modeled on the Dylan Dog character in the comic. Does that make sense? Probably not. Either way, I have an omnibus collection of the comic and it's a good read. This might also explain why the movie has so many good "parts." It definitely feels like an adaptation of multiple story lines from a comic book, but it doesn't feel jumbled; it actually flows perfectly, and the strange shifts to different story arcs make for a really great viewing experience. You never know where the hell this movie is going, or how it could end (unless you just read my spoiler filled breakdown of the end.)
Final verdict: Cemetery Man is a standout gem. It has so many great moments I can't even begin to cover them all in this column, and frankly I shouldn't, you should just check it out for yourself. See how creative and weird the Italians can be when they are free to make a movie virtually no one will watch.
One weird note about the trailer: It's all in Italian. But the movie is in English. So don't let that turn you off, you uncultured swine.
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